


Five Times Jayne Cobb Was Worried That Simon Tam Was Going to Kill Him

by Mari



Series: Five!Verse [2]
Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-27
Updated: 2011-04-27
Packaged: 2017-10-18 17:36:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mari/pseuds/Mari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Anyone hoping for hot Kaylee-on-Simon action should be warned that the pairing is background, here. Sorry!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Five Times Jayne Cobb Was Worried That Simon Tam Was Going to Kill Him

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone hoping for hot Kaylee-on-Simon action should be warned that the pairing is background, here. Sorry!

1\. When he woke up during the heist on Bellerophon and couldn't move his arms or legs.

"Then let's talk crazy," the Doc said, and Jayne thought, well, hell. At least it'd be more dignified than getting sucked out the airlock. And probably there'd be a corpse they could send home, so his mother would know what happened to him.

2\. The morning after he took River to bed for the first time, Jayne woke up in a pretty good mood. He was almost whistling as he pulled his clothes on, even though there was a crazy girl sleeping a few feet away from him, drooling on his pillow. He thought about waking her up for a minute, but she looked all peaceful. Plus, she was in easy reach of all his guns, and what if she _didn't_ wake up in a good mood?

So River was still in his bunk when he climbed up the ladder and nearly plowed right into her brother.

"Oh, hey, Doctor. Good morning," Jayne said, thinking act normal, act normal, act normal.

Simon looked a little startled. "Good…?" He shook his head. "Jayne, would you come with me for a moment?"

"Uh," Jayne said, and then followed him, 'cause he couldn't think of nothing else to do.

They walked into the infirmary, and Jayne braced himself to fend off a lethal injection.

"Take off your shirt, please," the Doc said. "I want to check the stitches on your shoulder."

 _Oh_. Relieved, he stripped his shirt off without hesitation. It weren't until the Doc was right up close, poking at him with them clinical fingers of his, that Jayne remembered the scratches on his shoulders from where River's nails had dug in. But a man could get scratches from all sorts of stuff. Had she bitten him hard enough to leave a mark? He couldn't remember.

"Am I hurting you?" the Doc asked, all concerned.

"Huh?"

"You flinched."

"You got cold hands, is all," Jayne said. "We done here?"

He spent the rest of the day avoiding everyone. Fortunately, no one noticed.

3\. He'd been shot plenty of times, and stabbed some, too. And there was that harpoon thing the Reavers put through his leg on Lilac. But getting knifed right through the gut was definitely the worst.

"Try to hold still," the Doc said, cutting off his t-shirt while he waited for the dope to kick in. Jayne did, but it weren't easy.

"Can I help? Let me help," Kaylee said. She was hovering about like some kind of anxious hummingbird.

"No," the Doc said, prodding Jayne's innards with his fingertips. "But if you can get Zoe in here, that would be good."

"What do you mean, 'no'?" Kaylee demanded. "I ain't afraid of blood or nothing."

Simon looked up. "Kaylee, you're a little bit of a distraction right now."

She crossed her arms, her little jaw set and stubborn. "Why? Because I haven't said whether or not I'll marry you yet?"

"Yes. Now, please. I have work to do."

Kaylee stayed right where she was, and Jayne could see that it was making the Doc tense. Could feel it, too. That pop was supposed to be working already, but it still hurt like a son of a bitch.

"Kaylee, _please_ ," the Doc said after a moment, looking up at her again.

His hands shifted, and pain shot through Jayne's gut. "Gorramit, Kaylee, _get out_!" he shouted.

"Hey! Don't speak to her like that!" the Doc was _real_ distracted, now, and as his hands moved a spurt of blood fountained out across his apron.

Kaylee shrieked – not afraid of blood or nothing, _right_ – and Jayne thought, _zhēn dǎoméi_ , what a stupid way to die, and then passed out.

4\. He was supposed to sleep in the infirmary that night. The Doc said that he'd pull his stitches if he tried to climb down the ladder to his bunk, and Jayne thought maybe he'd better do as he was told for once. But the operating bed weren't exactly comfortable, and though it hurt a little bit to be up and walking, at least it was less boring than staring at the ceiling and thinking about how he needed to clean his guns.

River found him while he was loitering around in the kitchen, wondering if drinking something alcoholic would make him feel better or worse.

"Come sleep in my room," she said.

Jayne looked sideways at her. "That's a bad idea."

"Over three quarters of your ideas are inadvisable at best," she said, smiling. "My bed is soft."

He wanted to say that it was _her_ idea, but he figured he could put up with a little of her stupid teasing if it meant he got some sleep.

But he was barely horizontal before she was leaning over him, licking his collarbone.

"I can't do nothing," he said. "I got tore up pretty bad."

"You can hold still." She unfastened his pants, tugged them down around his thighs. "And be quiet." And then her mouth was on him, and sure enough, he could do both those things.

Well, one of them.

" _Mèimèi_?" Simon called through the door. "Are you okay?"

She sat up a little bit, letting Jayne slip out of her mouth. "River is asleep."

"I heard… I thought maybe you were having a nightmare."

Jayne could see the Doc's shadow on the other side of the door, his hand reaching toward the latch. Oh shit. If he got in a fistfight now, he'd probably bleed to death.

And River was still touching him, the lunatic, her hand soft but firm, sliding up and down.

"I don't have their dreams anymore," she said, perfectly calm. "I vomited them out. It was cathartic."

There was a pause, and Jayne held his breath.

"Do you want me to bring you a sedative?"

"No. Go to bed, Simon. _Míngtiānjiàn_."

He stood there for a moment more, and then, finally, Jayne heard him walking away, the sound of a door opening and closing again.

"Catharsis," River whispered. "From the Greek _kathairein_ , to purge. No one ever laughs at my puns."

He had no rutting idea what she was talking about, but it was okay because her mouth was on him again and she obviously didn't expect him to answer. He pressed his hand against his mouth when he came, trying not to even gasp, and he saw spots until he closed his eyes. River was curled up against him before he'd caught his breath, her hair tickling the side of his neck.

"Do you want me to do you with my hand or something?" he offered, half-heartedly. He was nearly asleep already.

River yawned. "You can reciprocate another time."

5\. Kaylee had finally said yes, and she and the Doc were mooning around at least as bad as they'd been before they ever started sexing each other in the first place. It were enough to make a man avoid the common areas of the ship for fear of running into the pair of them, but if Jayne wanted to clean his guns proper, he needed the one big table on board.

Usually Jayne liked to take his time with his gear, but the happy couple was sitting in the lounge off the galley, yammering away about wedding plans, so he hurried right along with his work. River wandered in just as he was finishing with his guns.

"Oh, River," Kaylee said. "There you are! Come sit with us a minute?"

Jayne unsheathed Binky and tested the edge of the knife. Definitely time for a sharpening. He dug out his whetstone, trying to ignore the conversation coming from the expanding Tam family.

"I just want to make sure that you understand, _mèimèi_ , that even though Kaylee and I… Nothing is going to change. I'll always be your brother."

Jayne cleared his throat and spit good and hard on the whetstone.

"We both love you, sweetie," Kaylee said. "And we ain't going nowhere."

"I understand. Companionship is important."

"Yes, exactly." Simon sounded relieved.

"Jayne and I are having sex."

Binky slipped off the edge of the whetstone and sliced into the tip of Jayne's finger. He barely felt it.

"River, that's not funny."

Kaylee was staring at Jayne, and he could imagine what his face looked like. "She ain't joking," she said.

He was out of his chair and kicking it in front of him for a scrap of cover before the Doc had even turned all the way in his direction.

"You _bastard_!" The Doc's pale skin flushed deep, deep red, and his hands clenched into fists as he stood. "She's just a kid!"

"Simon! No!" Kaylee wrapped herself around the Doc, trying to hold him back.

And River was just sitting there, looking surprised. " _Wǒ bù shūfu_ ," she whispered. "Made a mistake."

"What's going on?" Inara asked, pausing in the doorway.

"This _hùndàn_ has been molesting my sister!" the Doc said, shaking off Kaylee's hands.

Jayne backed up, even though he felt stupid for doing it. It was only Simon.

Inara's eyebrows shot up. "Jayne? And River?"

"What about Jayne and River?" Mal clapped a not-entirely friendly hand on Jayne's shoulder as he and Zoë joined the group, and Jayne tried hard not to flinch.

"Apparently, Jayne's been taking advantage of River," Inara said.

"Mal, I never –"

"Are you saying River's a liar?" the Doc interrupted.

"That ain't what she _said_!" Jayne shouted. "Gorramit! Listen to what she's telling you!"

"I think we could all benefit from a spot of listening," Mal said. "Now, we can say all manner of evil things about Jayne's character –"

"And we do, sir," Zoë added.

"– but he's not like to force his attentions on an unwilling woman."

"But she's not – she's only – she's _River_ ," the Doc sputtered.

"And you're only a gorram _gǒu cāo de_ jackass!" Jayne said, without even really realizing that he'd opened his mouth.

"Hey!" Kaylee shouted, and then it was a confusing muddle of noise, everyone yelling over everyone else, until River's voice, high-pitched and anxious, cut through them all and shut everyone up.

"It's happening," she said, her eyes wide with panic. "Cytolosis. Plurality redoubled."

Kaylee took River's hands, gone from angry to worried quick as blinking. "Shh, it's okay. Everything's shiny."

Jayne took a half-step toward her and then stopped himself. What the hell was _he_ gonna do about one of her crazy fits, anyway?

"Simon." Inara's voice was soft, soothing. "River's not a little girl. Maybe you should try speaking to her instead of for her."

"A fine notion," Mal said, his captain voice covering his discomfort. "You go on and have a chat with your sister, Doc. Sort this out. There's no need for all the rest of us to be involved."

The Captain started loudly directing people to do stuff that didn't need doing, then, while Simon took River's elbow and led her off toward the passenger dorms. Jayne slunk away after them, without catching anyone's eye. He could be sneaky when he had a mind to, and he rutting well had a mind to in this instance. He pressed himself against the wall outside River's room, listening through the door.

The Doc's prissy voice carried clearly. "I understand that you're a young woman now, and you have some, uh, curiosity. Urges. But _Jayne_? There must be… I'm sure Inara could recommend someone."

Jayne knew the face River would be making. "I'm not indiscriminate, Simon. I sleep with Jayne because I choose to." River paused. "I like the way he makes me feel."

"Oh, _god_ , don't tell me!" There was a note of panic in the Doc's voice that Jayne would've found hilarious, normally.

"I mean beyond the carnal," River said. "More than one kind of impulse in the system. He's glial to my neuron."

They were quiet for a moment. "Neuroanatomy?" the Doc said, eventually. "I guess that's appropriate."

"I like him. I like spending time with him. He doesn't think one thing and then say another."

"I wasn't aware that he thinks at all," the Doc said.

Jayne frowned. And not because he was being insulted. It weren't like there was anything new in that. No, on his end, the appeal of his arrangement with River was simple. Getting sexed regular was always real shiny, and River was pretty and smelled nice and had all kinds of interesting ideas (Jayne was pretty sure she hadn't been with anyone but him yet, but she must have picked some things up from spending all that time with Kaylee and Inara or something because she sure wasn't no innocent).

He'd assumed that it was more or less the same for her. That all River was after was a thrust now and then, that she was only interested in his John Thomas. Though, come to think on it, there'd been signs that maybe he should've paid better attention to.

He curled the fingers of his left hand up towards his wrist, resting them lightly against the bracelet that sat there. A present from her.

"What's this?" he had asked, when she pressed it into his hand.

"For you," she said. "I've seen you. The way you live in your body. Tactile."

"Huh?"

"Look," she said. "Touch."

He sat up and looked at the thing in the palm of his hand, a flattish glass bead almost the size of his thumb, threaded on soft leather cord. It was a brilliant orange, and shaped with an indentation in the middle that felt good against his fingers. He'd liked it right away, and wondered how she'd known he would.

But then she'd taken his other hand and pressed it against her breast, and he'd stopped thinking about it.

He wore the bracelet, though.

River's voice interrupted his reverie. "Also, he's _shuài_."

Simon made a choking sound. "I can't pretend to approve, _mèimèi_ ," he said, after a moment. "Or understand. But how I feel isn't the important thing. I'm sorry for reacting so poorly."

"You take care of me," River said.

"Yes. But I trust you, too. I won't try to take care of everything."

"Thank you, _gēge_."

There was a rustle of cloth, the sound of a footstep, and Jayne lurched away from the door and started strolling down the corridor, trying to act like he hadn't just been eavesdropping. Simon caught up to him within a few steps and stopped him with a surprisingly firm shove that pushed him up against the wall.

"Listen," the Doc said fiercely. "River's happiness means a lot to me, and I'm trusting her judgment on this. But if you ever hurt her, I _will_ kill you, Hippocratic Oath be damned." Without waiting for a response, he walked away.

Jayne stayed put, hissing out a slow, frustrated sigh. Now he _knew_ he was humped. Maybe he didn't always think things through too good, but he weren't completely stupid, no matter what people said. And he knew full well what kind of a man he was. It was only a matter of time.


End file.
